He Wears the Pants? Rethinking Leadership, Mercy, and Masculinity in Islam

By a Modern Muslim Woman | Islamic Reflection on Marriage, Respect, and Prophetic Manhood

“He wears the pants in the family.”

It is a phrase spoken casually, sometimes with pride, sometimes with warning. When said about a man, it implies strength, authority, leadership. But when the same strength appears in a woman, she is labeled bossy, difficult, or too much.

Islam, however, never measured leadership by who raises their voice the loudest or who silences the other. It measured leadership by mercy, consultation, and character.

And the man the Prophet Muhammad ﷺ asked us to follow did not “wear the pants” in the way culture often means it today.

He wore humility.

He wore mercy.

He wore kindness in his own home.

The Prophet ﷺ at Home: A Model Forgotten

Aisha (ra) was once asked what the Prophet ﷺ did in his home.

She replied:

“He used to serve his family.”

(Bukhari)

He mended his own clothes.

He helped with household work.

He listened—to women, to children, to those society overlooked.

This was the leader of an entire Ummah.

This was the man chosen by Allah.

If helping one’s wife made a man “less of a man,” the Prophet ﷺ would never have done it.

But Islam came to elevate character, not ego.

When Kindness Is Called Weakness

Today, a man who respects his wife’s opinions is sometimes told:

“You let her control you.”

A man who speaks gently is mocked.

A man who consults his wife is questioned.

A man who protects his wife emotionally is considered soft.

Yet the Prophet ﷺ said:

“The best of you are the best to their wives, and I am the best of you to my family.”

(Tirmidhi)

So who defines masculinity:

Culture—or the Messenger of Allah ﷺ?

Emotional Abuse Is Not Leadership

Islam never gave men permission to belittle, manipulate, or emotionally harm women.

Rasulullah ﷺ never:

• Humiliated his wives

• Dismissed their feelings

• Used religion to control them

• Ignored their opinions

In fact, during the Treaty of Hudaybiyyah, it was Umm Salama (ra) whose advice the Prophet ﷺ followed when the companions were distressed. Her wisdom resolved a moment of crisis.

A woman’s voice saved the situation.

And the Prophet ﷺ honored it.

Leadership in Islam is not domination.

It is responsibility with compassion.

Other Prophets and the Power of Partnership

Look at Prophet Ibrahim (AS) and Hajar (AS).

When Ibrahim (AS) left Hajar and her infant in the desert, he did not dismiss her questions. When she asked:

“Did Allah command you to do this?”

And he said yes, she replied:

“Then He will not abandon us.”

Her strength, tawakkul, and faith became the foundation of Zamzam—a miracle still flowing today.

Was she “bossy”?

Or was she a believer whose strength Allah honored?

A Poem for the Homes We Build

A home is not ruled by fear

Nor held together by silence.

It breathes through mercy,

And stands firm on respect.

A man does not lead by crushing a voice,

But by protecting it.

He does not rise by shrinking his wife,

But by standing beside her.

The Prophet ﷺ did not shout to be heard.

His character spoke louder than commands.

Modern Muslim Women Are Not the Problem

Muslim women today speak up not because they are rebellious,

but because they are aware.

Aware that Islam gave them dignity.

Aware that Allah sees emotional harm.

Aware that silence is not sabr when injustice lives inside it.

A woman expressing her needs is not challenging Islam.

She is asking for the Prophetic standard to be honored.

True Islamic Masculinity

The man Islam praises is:

• Gentle without being weak

• Firm without being cruel

• A leader who listens

• A husband who protects hearts, not just reputations

He does not “wear the pants.”

He carries the amanah.

And the weight of that amanah is mercy.

Final Reflection

If a woman wearing strength is called bossy,

then the Prophet ﷺ must have been revolutionary.

Because he honored women.

He consulted them.

He loved them openly.

And he taught men that character begins at home.

May we raise homes that look like his.

And may we stop confusing ego with leadership.

Allah knows best.